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Video Games That Suck Ass: Part III of IX
SPORTS GAME EDITION

It's not hard to mess up a sports game, but some games are so horrid, they actually disgrace the very sport they try to emulate. The Slobs have gathered 15 of the worst games that sports fanatics should avoid, just in case you happen to find them in your local bargain bin or garage sale. This includes basketball, soccer, wrestling, whiffle ball, and more bastardized sports galore!

My Horse & Me (Wii)

Horse racing is one of the most barbaric things done to animal kind, and My Horse & Me is equally one of the worst things on the Wii today. If there's a Hell, this must be how horses imagine it -- stale environments, boring training exercises, and creepy no-face girls riding you to death. Nintendo's gotten scary.

MTV Sports: Skateboarding featuring Andy MacDonald (DC)

It's amazing what you can do when making a shitty version of a good game. If the guys behind MTV Sports: Skateboarding were into necrophilia, they'd be butt-raping Tony Hawk's corpse (if he was dead). Andy MacDonald, you have our sympathy.

Extreme Boards & Blades (PC)

Despite the marketing, even a cool can of Mountain Dew can't wash out the rancid bile you'll choke on while playing this "extreme" piece of shit.

Wiffle Ball Advance (DS)

Here's some interesting research notes for you -- A new copy of Wiffle Ball Advance costs $20. For a tenth of that price, you can get a real wiffle bat, a handful of rocks, and have more fun causing other people thousands of dollars of damage. Just sayin'.

Mega Man Soccer (SNES)

In don't care what anyone says: putting Mega Man on a soccer field is bullshit. Luckily, this game didn't inspire more Mega Man sports games. No, we've just been suffering though the Battle Network series.

NRA Varmint Hunter (PC)

To its credit, NRA Varmint Hunter has the distinct talents of making guns boring and reintroducing old Southern dialects not heard since the rise of the Confederacy.

NFL's Greatest Teams: San Francisco vs. Dallas (Sega CD)

I'm no sports fanatic, but what kind of hubris does a football game have when it limits you to choosing from only two teams?!

Mecarobot Golf (SNES)

It's really offensive that Japanese developer Toho even bothered bringing this garbage to America. Robots are condemned to play professional golf in the future? Bullshit -- where's the post apocalyptic war? For a Japanese game, this is highly uninventive.

Rap Jam: Volume One (SNES)

In this gem, you can start up a game of b-ball while playing as popular rappers like Warren G and LL Cool J. According to Wikipedia, the developer no longer exists. I'm pretty sure it's because Coolio shot every single team member when he found out he was in this game.

3Xtreme - PS

I can't even pronounce the title of this game. Take it on faith from the "3Xtreme" label that this game is shitty, and you'll be a happier gamer.

Mike Tyson Heavyweight Boxing - XBOX

As crappy as this game is, it's still not as offensive and damaging to Mike Tyson's career as his rape conviction. It comes close, though.

NBA Hoopz

I almost died laughing while reading the NBA Hoopz page on Wikipedia; try as I might, I just couldn't write anything funnier than this:

"NBA Hoopz is an arcade game and not meant to be realistic: players can jump twenty or thirty feet in the air, dunk the ball from 20 feet away, and do otherwise physically impossible things. Fouls are only called on flagrant pushes, foul shots are rare (and only after a number of fouls are accumulated), and there is no out of bounds. In addition, after a player makes 3 consecutive shots he becomes 'on fire' which allows him to make almost any shot as well as goal tend without penalty."

BMX XXX

I like BMX bikes. I also like breasts. Can you imagine how baffled I was that this game turned out to be so horrible? The challenges were frustrating, the nudity was boring, and the graphics engine looks like it thrown together by an alcoholic. Next time, I'll just download some porn and ride a real bike.

Barkley: Shut Up and Jam!

No, Charles Barkley, YOU shut up. Shut up and die. Ironically, the only good thing to come from this game is the underground hit "Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden," an indie RPG starring the titular basketball icon in a post apocalyptic world brought to the brink of chaos by reckless dunking.

WCW Backstage Assault

How can you have a wrestling game without a wrestling ring? That's like making a FPS without guns, RPGs without a world map (cough, FFX, cough), and fighting games with no life bars. WCW was always destined to die, but it sadly wasn't fast enough to kill this horrible game.

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