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Video Games That Suck Ass: Part II of IX - Puzzle Game Edition

May. 7 11:01 AM by KenTheGreat1

Believe it or not, even a puzzle game can raise the bile of the most tolerant gamer. The SlobsofGaming have put the pieces together in Part II of Video Games That Suck Ass, with everything from Bomberman bastardization to Tetris torment. Read on, read on!

#6: Pac-Man (Atari)

If Pac-Man is an artist's pixelated representation of Hell -- endlessly running from immortal creatures trying to kill you -- then the Atari version is the Hindi version of Hell, complete with foreign-objects-put-in-places-they-shouldn't-go torture, gouging of the eyes, and being dipped in hot oil.

It also doesn't help that in the Atari port, there's not enough power to fully animate the sprites, so the ghosts are just teleporting everywhere. Looking closely at it, I'm pretty sure that the ghosts are just skipping through entire sections of the maze to get at you. Cheap.

#5: 3D Tetris (Virtual Boy)

It not Tetris's fault: we're calling this game a suckfest simply based on the fact that playing any Virtual Boy game causes retinal cancer and bleeding.

#4: Jenga World Tour (Wii, DS)

Ah, the Wii game that everyone hates. Board games generally don't make good video games, and Jenga World Tour is something you buy for people upon whom you wish death. If you see this game on store shelves, do your civic duty, warn your nearest shelving clerk and ask them to burn it.

#3: Hatris (NES, Game Boy, Arcade)

Okay... It's Tetris.

With hats.

Is this really all it took to make money in the Nintendo Age? We could come up with billions of Tetris rip-offs more fun than Hatris. How about Pooptris? It's brilliant, hear us out -- you have to pile differently shaped blocks of poop in a toilet tank. Make a line with the poop, and the toilet flushes! Just watch out for the chunks of fried chicken nuggets, taco meat, and raw cabbage -- those indigestible foods will block your poop-puzzle ambitions like a stuffed colon!

#2:Wordtris (SNES)

We love Tetris because of two things -- the simple puzzle action, and the catchy music. Wordtris doesn't have either of these things. Why? Because it sucks ass, of course! Firstly, the game takes place in a circus, and I can't imagine anything more uncomfortable than clowns staring me in the face while I'm in the middle of a puzzle. Secondly, the music is hellishly horrible. It's akin to the stuff you hear on a festival merry-go-round, but the composer in this case is obviously fighting an alcohol problem.

#1: Bomberman: Act Zero (Xbox 360)

"Act Zero" is an appropriate sub-title for this game. There's zero commitment to the series, zero eye-candy for the Bomberman fans who stick with the series year after year, and zero reason to buy this game.

Nitpicking even further, Bomberman: Act Zero could be the only video game in history that is named after the main character, but doesn't actually star the main character. (Well, except for the Legend of Zelda, but at least those games don't suck shit.)

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