The Morning Hangover #2

Apr. 11 10:53 AM by KenTheGreat1

The parents have spoken. Sex is worse than murder.

Well, I've been awake less than two hours and my personal bullshit meter has already peaked.

John Davison, the former Senior Grand Knight of the 1UP Network, just wrapped up a frightening poll on What They Play, giving us a sobering insight into what parents fear most about video games.

It's a shocker!

Dads and Moms are more offended about hardcore man-on-woman (or girl-on-girl/guy-on-dude) sex showing up in a video game than seeing severed heads. I'm not sure who the heck these people are, but I'd rather have my kid learning about the magic of sex than the correct leverage needed to remove a human skull from its body.

At some point, that story about picking up a baby-making kit at K-Mart isn't going to fly anymore.

Today's lesson: make your kids fighters, not lovers.

(Insert whiny falsetto voice.) "Oh no! Penises and vaginas! They're so taboo! Won't someone think of the children!"

Lady, I am thinking about my future child's welfare. I'm worried that when he's stolen the family van to have an awkward grope session with that study buddy from his World Cultures class, he'll have no idea what to do. Besides, decapitation is a zombie-killing skill, and any good parent starts Zombie-Day training as soon as the kid can hold a shovel.

Come on, parents. If it's a choice between Mortal Kombat and Mass Effect, I'd rather not waste the 50 bucks that's coming out of little Billy's allowance.

Besides, there's an even greater danger we're not discussing... ALIEN SEX. Think about it - if every young human boy on the planet started having sex with an alien, we'd die out out before the next Final Fantasy release. (BURN!) And then there's Space AIDS. No one wants to wake up in the morning with Kreelax spores sprouting out of the groin area. Gross!

If we're not careful, it'll be the end of the human race as we know it! You wanna protect your teenagers? Don't let them have heavily implied sex with hot, nubile alien women!