The 7 Finest Video Game Furries

The 7 Finest Video Game Furries

Dec. 19 2:54 PM by The Pig

 

Final Fantasy, Star Fox, Donkey Kong, and so on — what do they all have in common?

Nope, it’s not just the ridiculously high number of sales for each franchise’s games. Each one has a distinctly hot niche character archetype that everyone pretends to ignore. Furries. That’s right, I said it. If you’re going to make lists of hot female characters all day like KenTheGreat1 does, you’ve got to cover all the bases. As part of the animal kingdom, I’m tipping my tail to the furriest, finest female furries in video game history.

(Don’t be a snob! Animals are people too! Well, kind of… still better than these estate agents online that seem to be coming everywhere like parasites.)

#7: Krystal (Star Fox)

Krystal (Star Fox)

 

First shown in Star Fox Adventures, this blue babe became a permanent member of Fox McCloud’s team, which means a lot less of that irritating Slippy.

Furry Factoid: Fox McCloud’s main squeeze actually outranked Wolf O’ Donnell in Nintendo designer Masahiro Sakurai’s poll for requested characters the Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

 

#6: Tawna Bandicoot

Tawna Bandicoot

 

Tawna was Crash’s token damsel-in-distress during the first Crash Bandicoot game, but hasn’t been seen in a real starring role since then — lame!

Furry Factoid: Since Tawna was modeled after Pamela Anderson (with the long blonde hair and gigantic man-magnets), she was axed from the series by Naughty Dog for not being “kid-friendly” enough.

#5: Berri The Squirrel

Berri Squirrel and Conk

Everyone remembers Conker’s Bad Fur Day, and Berri the Squirrel may go down in history as the only Nintendo character to be referenced as an actual pornstar. Nice.

Furry Factoid: Berri died in Conker’s arms during the events of Conker’s Bad Fur Day, meaning that we’ll never see her fine fluffy tail in another Rare title.

#4: Jenny the Bat (Bloody Roar)

Jenny the Bat

While technically only half a furry, Jenny the Bat is probably the most deadly fanged thing in the entire Blood Roar roster — she can drain my blood any time.

Furry Factoid: Jenny has been a fan favorite since her debut in Bloody Roar II, and consistently wears the most revealing clothing out of most of the other fighters.

#3: Candy Kong

Candy Kong Crown

What a change 10 years makes! It is just me, or did Candy Kong get a full-body makeover since Donkey Kong Country? The Pig approves of this design very much.

Furry Factoid: Candy Kong also starred in the short-lived Donkey Kong Country television series, where she was DK’s de facto girlfriend — in the canon games, their relationship is more ambiguous…

#2: Fran (Final Fantasy XII)

Fran Final Fantasy

So she may not look completely like a furry — more like a lingerie model with bunny ears — but Fran’s definitely the absolute hottest furry female in Final Fantasy lore.

Furry Factoid: Fran also makes a cameo appearance in the Japan-only “Dragon Quest & Final Fantasy in Itadaki Street Portable” for the PSP.

#1: Felicia

felicia pin up girl

As Darkstalkers’ iconic catgirl, there was no way we couldn’t include the feisty Felicia — after all, she made the top 10 of our “29 Most Ridiculously Hot Female Fighters.”

Furry Factoid: Felicia has starred in more games than all the other Darkstalkers characters — that includes Marvel vs. Capcom, Pocket Fighter, Namco x Capcom, and Darkstalkers (of course).

3 Reasons Why X-Blades is Suddenly Important

3 Reasons Why X-Blades is Suddenly Important

X-Blades was already looking like hot stuff, but a steady stream of updates from Zuxxez Entertainment is peaking everyone’s interest. It’s really fascinating — this game should appeal to the “ultra hardcore anime-loving horny gamer demographic,” which means X-Blades should make a hundred bajillion dollars. Yeah.

Well, I’m definitely going to be contributing to that giant pot of money… and here’s three reasons why.

3: It’s like God of War, but with more crotch shots and cleavage.

X-Blades Screenshot

The only thing that could have made God of War an even better would have been if Kratos was sassy, ethnic, large-breated, and female. Ninja Theory almost got it right with Heavenly Sword, but Nariko’s lithe booty was never close enough to the camera for decent drooling. Now, X-Blades looks like it’s solved the problem with half the fabric and twice the angles, taking a page directly from every anime ever created.

2: Okay, so the combat actually looks kind of cool.

1: Holy S**t! Have you seen the Collector’s Edition?

X-Blade Collector's Edition (royal)

Let’s count the goodies: one hand-painted figurine of a topless Ayumi, an artbook depicting the game (probably stuffed with gorgeous landscapes and cleavage shots), a full soundtrack CD, an X-Blades poster and a complete strategy guide for people who want it, assorted with other knick-knacks. According to the developer’s press release on GamesPress, it’s also releasing in English, French, Italian, German, Russian and Klingon. That’s some broad localization production.

 

Slobs Sleuthing: The Next Metal Gear?

Wow.

We have no idea what the brand new Konami ad is hinting at, but we’re taking a stab at it with our own patented system of sleuthing, with much help from my colleague, The Pig. We’re breaking down this image, piece by piece, and so far we have come to a few startling conclusions. Let’s start from the beginning.

(These speculations, while probably 99% accurate, do not represent those of GamePro Media.)

Metal Gear Solid Cover

OH MY GOD WHAT DOES IT MEAN

“Fact” 1: The upside-down exclamation point means that the Metal Gear saga will reboot, with the main story taking place in Spain.

As everyone knows, the upside-down exclamation point represents the beginning of a huge statement. It’s obvious that its use in Konami’s teaser could mean a new beginning of the entire Metal Gear saga. Since this grammatical rule is only true when used in Spanish, this new game may take place in Spain.

(Hit the jump for more of the new Metal Gear Solid rumor breakdown!)

 

“Fact” 2: The green font not only means an X360 release, but Leprechauns may factor heavily into this MARCH release.

The color green is not only the primary palette for Microsoft’s X360, but also the color of the month of March. What happens in March? St. Patrick’s Day. We’re guessing that’s the release day for this new Metal Gear game, but why release the game on that day in particular? LEPRECHAUNS. Every MGS game has a theme for their bosses, and one of them could be the mythical creature known as the Leprechaun! Leprechauns are also known for luck, and one Metal Gear Solid character in particular is know for being lucky… Fortune.

Since this game may be a prequel (see Rumor 1) to the series, this must mean that we’ll finally find out what happened to Fortune’s family… maybe.

 

“Fact” 3: Judging by the equation in the advertisement — Metal Gear Solid “T” will be a multiplatform game for the iPhone, Nintendo Wii, and also the Xbox 360.

Many people are speculating that the first exclamation point is an “i” for the iPhone, using the Wii’s font for the “i”, and that the power logo at the end of the equation represents the X360. That’s only 66% correct, since everyone is overlooking on more important logo. The “+” sign.

The “+” is commonly associated with the D-pad that became so famous with Nintendo’s Famicom system, and right now, the Wii remote uses that same directional pad. This can only mean that the next Metal Gear Solid is coming out on three different platforms at once! It’ll probably be a tactics-based game with online multiplayer, too, considering that the Wii, iPhone, and X360 are all viable online gaming systems. Basically, A Next Metal Gear Is… iPhone Nintendo Metal Gear X360! You heard it here first!

Pretty good, right? We’ve got this thing in the bag. WHAT ARE YOUR PREDICTIONS?

10 Devices Almost as Cool as Game Consoles

Every Christmas season, the millions and millions of us gamers spend our hard-earned scratch on really expensive crap. Once in a while, we even slap down a few $100 bills for a shiny new console. That crap’s expensive too — I sold a liver to get my PlayStation 3 (wasn’t my liver, though).

Let’s pretend that we’ve got cash to burn: what would we buy if weren’t spending hundreds and hundred of cold cash dollars on every new system? Well, welcome to our own holiday shopping guide — the 10 Devices Almost as Cool as Game Consoles! You can have your Xbox and PlayStation, but take a walk with The Pig and consider these other awesome possibilities…

#10: Rocket-Powered Skateboard

rocket powered skateboard

Since we first saw the second Back to the Future flick, it has been the dream of many to rip through the streets on a hoverboard. This badass piece of work is as close as man has come, and taking this bad beast to the curb will let people know that you are now in charge. Forget 360 spins; try 360 yards in 60 seconds (note: not for fatties)!

Estimated Cost: $300 or (1) 60GB Xbox 360 Pro Holiday Bundle

#9: Handmade Custom FX Lightsaber

handmade light stabber

Having one of those fancy FX lightsabers is a screw job — you hit one guy across the head with it, and it breaks. Epic FAIL. Instead, pick up one of these handy battle ready lightsabers and just have at it. There’s no sound effects, but who cares? A Jedi needs no such thing.

#8: Super Soaker CPS Splashzooka

supersoaker

It’s the mega long-cannon of water guns, and nothing’s better than the CPS Splashzooka. You don’t just get sprayed by this old-school Super Soaker, you slapped in the heart with aqua hammer of pain, pain, PAIN. Being that feared kid on the block with this weapon meant that in a summertime water fight, you were not dicking around. Plus, if you ran out of water, you could always just bludgeon people with the damn thing. Owch!

Estimated Cost: $50 or (1) Game Boy Advance SP – Platinum

#7: 950,000 Volt Blast Knuckles

950,000V Hand nuckles

Admit it: you’ve always to ride the shopping carts through the grocery stores as an adult. Hell, I do it now! Well, here’s a happy compromise in this awesome half-bicycle and half-shopping cart! Next time you’re cruising for potato chips and college girl bootie, do it in style. Eating and riding: together at last.

Estimated Cost: $350 to Build or (1) Nintendo Wii GameStop Bundle

#6: Personal Drifter-Edition Bicycle-Kart

Bicycle Cart

Admit it: you’ve always to ride the shopping carts through the grocery stores as an adult. Hell, I do it now! Well, here’s a happy compromise in this awesome half-bicycle and half-shopping cart! Next time you’re cruising for potato chips and college girl bootie, do it in style. Eating and riding: together at last.

Estimated Cost: $350 to Build or (1) Nintendo Wii GameStop Bundle

#5: AV310 Widescreen Headset

Widescreen Headset

It has been the dream of man to watch booty flicks and kung-fu movies with nothing more than a VR visor — that day has come.

Actual Cost: $249.99, 149.99 UK Pounds or (1) Nintendo Wii

#4: Stainless Steel 8GB Video Watch

8gb video watch- stainless steel

Every kid reading a Dick Tracy comic longed for one of those kickass video watches, and now you can get one. Just imagine — you could watch anything, anywhere. Stuck in traffic? Long wait at the dentist? Turn on your watch and catch a few episodes of Witchblade or Baywatch (mmm, Baywatch).

Actual Cost: $129.99 or (1) Nintendo DS Lite

#3: Silver Wolf Full Metal Rubber Band Gun

rubber band gum-metal-silverwolf

We have no words but this: AWESOME. DO WANT. We’re seeking one right now.

Estimated Cost: $499.99 or (1) PlayStation 3 160 GB Uncharted: Drake’s Fortune Pack

#2: Dough-Nu-Matic

automatic doughnut maker

Let’s imagine for a moment. It’s the end of a long, hard working day. You’ve put away your backpack/briefcase, gotten a nice cold beer, and just want to sit down and watch the game. BUT! You want donuts. What to do? Going to the store would take too much time, and a trek to Krispy Kreme isn’t in the cards.

This is why the Dough-Nu-Matic exists, my friends.

Actual Cost: $129.99 or (1) Nintendo DS Lite

#1: Go Fast Consumer Jet Pack

world's first jetpack

Jet Pack International has spent years crafting the personal flight machine, and it’s almost ready to be unleashed on the public… for $200,000. Unlike other bulky, piece-of-crap flight devices, this sleek-looking number is the stuff that the future will be built on. No more traffic! Jet pack-powered basketball! And after that, flying cars won’t be far behind…

Estimated Cost: $200,000 or (400) PlayStation 3s / (800) Nintendo Wiis / (400) Xbox 360 Elites

 

Top 17 Tastetacular Treats in Gaming

Thought we were packing in the holiday already? Guess again! While preparing to stuff ourselves sick with turkey, we realized something — if there’s one thing that Thanksgiving and video games have in common, it’s definitely the most important thing known to man: Food!

Here’s our menu of the 17 top foods in video games — damn, we’re getting hungry just thinking about it!

#17: Bananas (Donkey Kong Series)donkey kong bananas

In the Game: In the DK world, they’re apparently impervious to heat, cold, and all sorts of abuse — this fruit can even be used as a weapon.

In Real Life: Trying to use them as weapons isn’t nearly as effective (go for the eyes!), and they smash quite easily.

#16: Rat Meat (Oblivion)

rat meat oblivion

In the Game: It’s tasty, most likely the first meal you’ll have, and it’s also a crucial ingredient for making certain potions.

In Real Life: It would probably give you smelly diarrhea.

#15: Coconuts (Lost in Blue)

coconuts lost in blue

In the Game: They’re easy to get, and pretty much all you ever eat on that accursed island.

In Real Life: Actually, they’re kind of expensive!

#14: Rare Candy (Pokemon)

pokemon rare candy

In the Game: A single bite of this stuff could turn your Charmeleon into a Charizard — talk about handy.

In Real Life: It would replace steroids in a heartbeat — no more going to the gym to grow strong!

#13: Dim Sum (Dynasty Warriors)

dim sum dynasty

In the Game: Nothing turns the tide of feudal warfare like this tasty battlefield snack.

In Real Life: Even if it won’t bring you back from the brink of death, Dim Sum is still a damn tasty snack that goes well with tea.

 

#12: Sandvich (Team Fortress 2)

sandwich team fortress 2

In the Game: It looks delicious, regenerates health and comes topped off with an olive to boot.

In Real Life: Well, pretty much the same thing — damn, that sandvich looks good…

 

#11: “Chicken!” (Tekken 3)

tekken 3 chicken

In the Game: During the Tekken Force game, whole roasted chickens could be found around every corner – Yum!

In Real Life: Getting your own at the store is probably healthier than eating cooked chicken found lying in the street.

 

#10: Ramen Noodles (MGS4: Guns of the Patriots)

ramen noodles msg4

In the Game: One of the best meals for the battlefield, the ramen recovers health AND stamina.

In Real Life: One of the best meals for college students, cup ramen recovers health AND stamina.

 

#9: Pizza (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Arcade)

teenage ninja-pizza

In the Game: Full pizzas recover all of your health, and you’d have to beat your other friends to the box while fighting off other ninjas.

In Real Life: Pizza recovers all your health, and you’ll usually have to beat your roommates to the last slice.

 

#8: Watermelon (Yoshi’s Island)

yoshi's island-watermelon

In the Game: Chomping one of these fruits turns Yoshi’s mouth into an awesome automatic machine gun of death.

In Real Life: Spitting your watermelon seeds with deadly velocity is significantly harder, if not impossible.

 

#7: Jelly Beans (A Boy & His Blob)

a boy and his blob-beans

In the Game: Differently flavored jelly beans change your pal Blobert (what the heck is he?) into different shapes and give him wacky abilities.

In Real Life: Ever since those Harry Potter books came out, there are flavors worse than licorice, like snot and earwax — beware!

 

#6: Soda (Shenmue)

shenmue cold drink

In the Game: When tracking down your father’s killer and scraping with street thugs, nothing quenches quite like “Jet Cola” and “Jet Sprite”.

In Real Life: We’re actually hooked on Barq’s Root Beer.

 

#5: Alcohol (Grand Theft Auto 4)

gta 4- drunk

In the Game: Too much can turn poor Niko into a slobbering, stumbling drunk — more often than not, flailing headlong into busy traffic.

In Real Life: Same deal, except more brain damage.

 

#4: Fruit (Pac-Man)

In the Game: Nabbing all these healthy bonus treats before the four ghosts can grab you is no small feat.

In Real Life: Meh, just plain ‘ol fruit.

 

#3: Super Mushroom (Mario Series)

In the Game: This iconic power-up makes Mario grow a few feet in height, and in some games, recover HP — don’t leave the Mushroom Kingdom without one.

In Real Life: Tastes great on pizza, sandwiches, and omelets, but probably won’t change your height.

 

#2: Lon Lon Milk (Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

In the Game: Creamy and nutritious, this special milk can be carried around in a bottle for days without refrigeration and never go bad.

In Real Life: Carrying milk for more than half a day, then drinking it, isn’t too wise.

 

#1: Cake (Portal)

In the Game: It’s moist, delicious, and ultimately a lie.

In Real Life: Moist, delicious, and available at any grocery store or bakery — and you won’t have to survive attempted murder from a psychopathic A.I. to get it, either.